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The Match that will Break Relationships

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By Gathua Miricho

Men all over the world are thanking the football gods while women are cursing them in equal measure. Today being St. Valentine ’s Day, women expected to be treated to candle lit dinners and all the fanfare that comes with the day. However, men will today be huddled in dingy bars and pubs across the city, watching this long awaited fixture.

Tonight, Real Madrid go head to head with Paris St Germain at the Santiago Bernabau at 10.45. It’s a momentous match, any man worth his salt will be in attendance.

Ronaldo, arguably the world’s best player, goes head to head with Neymar, the world’s most expensive (read arrogant) player.

However, all is not lost, dear woman, do not despair. As the men imbibe copious amounts of alcohol and cheer for either Ronaldo or Neymar, here is a list of alternative things that you can do tonight.

  1. Watch the Game Together

Well, this is not an ideal date befitting this day, but heck, sh#t’s already hit the fan. If you don’t trust your man to be out on his own, you should accompany him to his favorite watering hole and watch the game with him. Reliable sources tell me that ladies of the night will lay in wait for men in these watering holes. Dear wife/girlfriend, beware.

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  1. Watch Black Panther

Black Panther premiered on Tuesday in Kisumu, Lupita Nyong’o didn’t show up. It’s a good movie nonetheless. If you can’t stand being alone tonight, this is definitely a plan for you. The amount of shirtless scenes in that movie, not mentioning the skin tight costumes will leave you visually satisfied. Let’s face it, our husbands and boyfriends are not in the best of shape.

  1. Girls Night Out

Misery loves company. Why don’t you call out your girlfriends and have a night of epic madness. You can hire an Uber, pay using his credit card and hop from club to club. He’ll probably be too hangovered to notice your misdeeds

  1. Erotic Massage

I have lost count of the erotic massage parlors that have opened, this year alone. In a society that is slowly accepting same-sex relationships, there should be no stigma in visiting one of these establishments. These massage parlors offer full body massage while other arrangements can be made. Moreover, you will not suffer from a guilty conscience since you will be revenging for being left alone on valentines.


I am sorry for the rude awakening, but now you know, when it comes to matters football, you rank a distant third.